Do you love your partner? Then you should know the quality time love language to express your feelings. Whether it is during a meal at a restaurant or a walk hand in hand, the main thing for some people is to feel that the two partners are on the same wavelength… for at least a few minutes.
While for some people, words of empowerment and encouragement are one of the best ways to express and receive love, for others, spending quality time in the company of others is. Their mother tongue of love.
“What is the use of having a beautiful house, a beautiful profession, plenty of money to afford luxury, signed clothes… if we can’t enjoy them together!” It’s not enough to be next to each other because, for some people, love is being faced to face.
How to spend Quality time with love language?
Don’t we say that lovers are alone in the world? During the honeymoon, the two lovers quickly spend twenty to twenty-five hours alone talking to each other, caressing each other, and making plans for the future … It is easy to tell the difference between young lovers (regardless of their age) and a resigned couple at the restaurant.
To give all one’s attention to the other, without sharing, constitutes for many people a valid proof of love, sometimes even the only one. Whether it is during a meal at a restaurant in downtown Cincinnati, a walk hand in hand, taking the time for a drink after returning from work, or while preparing a meal, the main thing for some people is to feel that both partners are on the same page … for at least a few minutes.
Being together really means being together, without doing anything else, like reading your newspaper or watching TV out of the corner of your eye. It is not enough to be in the same room if both partners do not give each other complete and exclusive attention. It does not necessarily mean looking each other profoundly and long in the eyes but instead engaging in an activity that creates a feeling of marital unity. What happens on an emotional level is more important than the activity itself.
Being together also implies quality dialogues, intimate dialogues. Sharing personal experiences, disclosing deep thoughts, and expressing positive feelings with warmth and affection without interrupting each other are great ways to accumulate “deposits” in the love bank. Partner, for whom it passes quality moments, is the language of maternal love.
Listen To Understand
For psychologist Gary Chapman, “engaging in quality dialogue is not only listening with kindness but also accepting to open up to others. That is called intimacy: getting naked, not only physically but also emotionally.
Many of my clients criticize their partners for not listening to them when they share their feelings or concerns with their partners. They, in all good faith and out of love, only listen to suggest solutions. They didn’t understand that their wives “just wanted to be heard” and, if possible, understood. Many people are often more in search of compassion than of a solution.
Learn to listen
Learning to listen to the love language of the other is as complex as learning a foreign language. To accelerate this learning, five conditions:
- Maintain eye contact with your spouse when speaking;
- Do nothing else while listening to it;
- Be on the lookout for your feelings;
- Observe your partner’s body language
- Wait until he has finished speaking before reacting.
We think three times faster than we speak. That is why people frequently interrupt the speech of the speaker to show their reactions to them. A moment of quality is expressed by really attentive listening.
To increase the quality time with love language, turn off the TV.
Gary Chapman comes up with this concept to help us understand and meet the mutual needs of deep love. For him, true love implies a voluntary act, requires discipline and recognizes the need for personal progress (it is for this reason that he distinguishes love at first sight and genuine love). Love is about acting in the best interests of the one we love. Therefore, the languages of love are not to be taken as attempts at manipulation (to flatter, to obtain what we want).
Chapman recounts in his book many examples of couples on the verge of breaking up because they don’t speak the same language of love and feel misunderstood and little/unloved as a result.
What are the five quality time love language?
1. Valuing words
Gary Chapman writes that empowering lyrics can come in several dialects:
The compliments verbal and sincere (“you’re beautiful (e),” “I enjoy this dish,” “thank you for … I really appreciate this initiative”, “I like it when you …”, “I am grateful when you”)
Words of encouragement (“If you decide to do it, I am sure you will succeed. Because when you decide to do something, you always go through with it. It is a quality that I ‘enjoy at home.”, “if you want to take this step, I will support you,” “I am by your side, how can I help you?”)
Kind words that express personal feelings in a warm tone and positive language
Apology and acknowledgment of wrongs, forgiveness granted (Chapman writes: “If you have wronged him / her, be prepared to admit your fault and ask for forgiveness. If your motivation is not what he / she believed be, try to explain your motives peacefully.”)
Humble words and requests (requests not being requirements). Here we find one of the aspects of non-violent communication: formulating requests to indicate how to get closer, to give direction, and not a request.
Quality moments consist in giving the other whole and undivided attention, in “offering minutes of life,” in creating emotions. However,you can reflect these quality moments in several ways:
Just being together (being united, on the same wavelength, being in tune; not just physical closeness)
Quality dialogues (a real conversation in which two individuals share their experiences, thoughts, emotions, and desires with affection and without interruption. This last point is problematic because it requires listening with kindness while resisting the temptation to advise, judge, or criticize)
Learn to speak (awaken our emotions, open up to others, reveal the doubts, fears, and vulnerability that hold us back)
Quality activities (to undertake activities in pairs, to accept an activity which the other likes for the simple pleasure of being with them. Also, to express mutual love by being together to constitute a “bank of memories”)
Gary Chapman defines gifts as something we can hold in our hands and tell ourselves, “He/ she has thought of me.” The market value is not essential here. What matters is having thought of us. However, it is the thought expressed by the gesture, which is the expression of love. Also, it is an exterior and visible sign of the interior and spiritual/emotional bond.
Gifts can be bought, found, or made. A wildflower picked up from a field can fulfill its function of proof of love and filling an emotional reservoir.But gifts can also take the form of giving of ourselves, of our presence. Also, gifts don’t need to be expensive or weekly.
4. Services rendered
Chapman talks about all the aids and assistances that require thought, organization, time, effort, and energy. When these services perform in a positive spirit, they are genuine expressions of love.
However, this language of love can misunderstood: it about not confusing services rendered and exploitation or guilt.
Guilt manipulation (“if you really loved me, you would do this or that”) is not a language of love; coercion through fear, blackmail, or the threat of retaliation either.
The language of love for services rendered may also require going beyond stereotypes and clichés about the specific roles of men and women.
5. Physical contact
The touch has nolimitation to a specific location in the body. A caress, a hand in the hair, holding hands, kisses, hugs, sexual relations between adult and consenting partners are all ways of passing the message of love. Some contacts deliver more pleasure than others, and it’s up to each person to say what kind of contact satisfies them the most. The physical contact that gives pleasure to one will not necessarily have the same effect on the other.
The language of love of physical contact must always respect the limit of the other: “the body made for touch and not to abused.”
FAQ on quality time love language
1. What are the different ways of loving?
Affection is a state of attachment for a person that manifests itself in different ways. We feel affection for someone with whom we like to spend time, to share things. However, tenderness, attraction, admiration make you love someone with attachment.
2. How does accurate love manifest?
The “symptoms” of feeling in love can be a pounding heart. The fact of not keeping still, of overflowing with energy. A deep desire to enjoy life, each other, moments together.
3. What are the benefits of love?
There are only advantages to being in love. Making love reduces the risk of heart attacks and cancer, improves blood circulation, and strengthens the heart. Sexuality also plays a role as an antidepressant and a sleeping pill. And for women in love, their skin is beautified.
4. What are the misdeeds of love?
Affective dependence is harmful to the couple but also oneself. Being dependent on others and others is a massive drag in life. We lose self-confidence, we are afraid to do things alone, we no longer even know what we like, what we want … The risk is to believe that we are nothing without it.
Conclusion on quality time love language
Each person speaks a language of motherly love to which they are more sensitive. In this language of love, the person feels loved for who they are, and their emotional reservoir is full. However, the language in which a person expresses his love is not necessarily that of the other. One partner may feel like he is making an effort and giving proof of love… which is not seen by the other partner. Finally, it is a whole problem Chapman proposes to solve!